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So the other weekend. I came home drunk at 5am and decided to raid the fridge/freezer for more booze. Forgetting that a friend had hidden 2 tabs of LSD in an envelope.
On stumbling across the envelope, I remembered what it was. Having never taken a hallucinogenic drug in my life I don't understand what possessed me to do what I did next. The words 'that would be funny' flashed somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain.
So I ripped open the packet and placed one of the little tabs under my tongue. It was like a postal stamp, paper with a slimy coating on one side.
I stumbled to bed thinking nothing of it. Until I woke up a few hours later, dehydrated from the night of drinking.
I turned on the tap. 'Wow, why's the sink bleeding? Why's the water pink? Is there some work being done on the pipes? I didn't get a note? Maybe I'm just half asleep still'. Back to bed for me. I check my phone. 7:38am. 'Wait? Why's my phone screen animated like a cartoon?'. Then I remembered what drunk Ewan had done.
I groaned and hoped I could sleep it off, but the buoyancy of the mattress made me feel like I was on a boat. I started to feel sea sick, so I thought I'd get up and try to go about my day to day business.
I tried scrubbing the bathroom floor, but this further gave illusion to the maritime theme that initially made me feel sea sick.
I sat on the living room floor and cautiously put the T.V. on. I sat flicking through the channels, the colours were vivid and the sounds all jumbled into one long incomprehensible stream of jumbled voices and music. Until I hit on something more familiar.
Amidst all the chaos I heard Jeremy Kyles voice berating someone. 'Yes! Jeremy Kyle! This has to be the least trippy things on, this might smooth it out a bit'.
How wrong I was.
We've all seen some of the guests on that show. Bizarre facial tattoos, sub-standard dental care, some very interesting looking characters. Each of those unique aspects of the characters appearance was exaggerated X100.
I still couldn't make sense of the words, the guests had broad Lancashire accents and were arguing and shouting at one another. The words just merged into what sounded like one sound. I could make out interspersed sentences from Jeremy Kyle.
At one point I made out 'why don't you put something on the end of it then?' And it felt like he was asking me personally. I felt myself shout 'I don't know, Jeremy, I honestly don't know!'.
This 'interaction' with Jeremy, put me further into the picture. Suddenly the people in the audience were all around me. It felt like either the show was in my living room, or I was in the show. So I felt myself politely clapping the guests as they came on stage and booing other guests as the rest of the audience did.
Then there was a news break, to announce the arrival of a new royal baby. This was such a bizarre experience. People lined up waving flags, armed guards in funny fluffy hats. Probably most bizarrely a shot of an easel, with a piece of paper on it, which I couldn't make any sense of at the time.
Image credit: Mashable
I'm not particularly whimsical about the Royal Family. But I felt so emotionally detached from the news that watching all these crowds of adoring on-lookers made me feel like I was looking in on an Alien colony performing some bizarre ritual.
Anyway, back to Jeremy Kyle.
It felt like I'd been watching Jeremy Kyle for weeks. Eventually the words started to make sense again and only mild visual disturbances remained. At this point I felt extremely tired and confused. The sink was still bleeding but I wasn't too upset about that any more.
The moral of this story is, if you're going to take LSD, do it with friends, in a calm environment and consider that it doesn't wear off for 12 hours. You don't see new things that aren't really there, you just see a slightly bizarre version of what's already there. At no point did I think I could fly.
Thanks to my girlfriend who came round to spoon feed me. And apologies again to the person who's tab of acid I stole.